Procrastination

I've realized, through the years, that I don't excel at many things. I mean, sure, I consider myself a nerd because I get straight A's in my advanced classes, and because I took (and did fairly well on) the SATs in seventh grade. And I do like to think of myself as a blooming writer and mediocre artist. 


But the one thing that I absolutely excel at is procrastination. I've been an active procrastinator for years, ever since I was handed responsibility. I know how to procrastinate efficiently and effectively. I even have a 6-step Procrastination Procedure, as I like to call it. And I'd like to share it with you because I believe that procrastination is a vital part of... something.


Step One: Check your email(s). Is your inbox empty (save from the spam-arific insurance discounts and pharmaceutical coupons) because you're a socially inadequate human being? Not to worry! Just browse through those forwards you saved, and you've effectively lost twenty minutes examining your horoscope and flipping through pictures of cute kittens!


Step Two: Go to Facebook. Or Google+. Or Twitter. Or Tumblr. Or, heck, even MySpace if you still use it. (But, for the record, even the creator of MySpace switched over to Facebook.) Scroll through the statuses of the people you friended, even though you regret adding half of the people on your friend list. Spend half an hour looking at the moody, "you-don't understand-me" statuses, mixed in with vague ones like "forever alone:(" and "having fun!!!1!". Cringe at the elementary grammatical mistakes littering your newsfeed, stalk crushes and like pages. Spend the next ten minutes searching for an update that is really meaningful, that makes you think about life, and forces you to wonder about the grandiose magnificence of the universe. But fail at that, and go to Farmville instead.


Step Three: Look at those gossip sites your mom bookmarked, even though you don't care about celebrities. But, even though you show no interest in the petty drama, you'll find yourself hopelessly entangled in rumors of affairs, pictures of TV stars flaunting the latest Rodeo Drive fashions to get coffee, and, yes, even Justin Bieber news. Very shaming, I know, but you won't be able to help it.


Step Four: When you finally draw yourself away from those glittery-background sites, hop over to Youtube. If there are new videos out by your favorite Youtubers, watch those. If not, rewatch old Vlogbrothers videos, or old Charlieissocoollike videos. And look! Another hour or so has passed! By now, you should feel the need to stay on the computer, and never leave, not even to do the thing you're procrastinating.


Step Five: When Youtube has become boring, open up iTunes and browse through the top songs. Listen to the little previews, bob your head along if you like the song, or grimace and press mute if you don't. This should take about ten minutes or so.


Step Six: The final step, and the most addictive. Do not attempt if you can't pull yourself away from hilarious fails, giggle-rific memes, and/or cute kittens stealing cheeseburgers. That's right. The last step is to visit icanhascheezburger.com. Failblog, Failbook, Memebase, Graphjam, etc, are the perfect examples of procrastinating sites. You can roam for hours, letting your eyes devour the hilarity of everything that site offers. 


And, now that you are finished with the Procrastination Procedure, you are officially on your way to becoming, as I like to say, a Masta.


Good luck on your journey to procrastination brilliance.